Distance
by Vorcha Girl
Summary: Thrown back together when the Reapers attack, Shepard and Kaidan are still very much in love, but they struggle to reconnect and bridge the distance that has grown between them. A romance that follows their journey through ME3 they try to put their fears and inhibitions behind them and say those three little words to each other. (Femshep/Kaidan)
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - This fic was a request by the beautiful QueenFreckles who asked me to listen to the song Distance by Christina Perri and write a song about Kaidan and Shepard struggling to reconnect. It was a gorgeous song and I instantly fell in love with the idea. A big shout out must go to tlcinbflo who helped me come up with a context for this fic and went out of her way to help me develop my idea - she is awesome. **

**I will be updating weekly and the fic will switch POV between Kaidan and Shepard. I hope you all enjoy it. Feedback and reviews are always appreciated and much loved. Please enjoy!**

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><p>Gina Shepard paused outside of the Normandy's shuttle and drew in a deep, steadying breath as she waited for her team. The nightmarish events of the day flashed through her mind in a sickening blur of terrified screams, billowing smoke and the god-awful piercing howl of the Reapers, and with a frustrated growl she curled her hand into a fist and smashed it against the side of the shuttle. Thinking about the people left behind on Earth and the horrors they were facing wasn't healthy, but every time she closed her eyes it was all she could see.<p>

How could she forget the sight of the cannibal reaper troops savagely tearing into bodies on the street, consuming the bloodied chunks of meat they tore from the dead? She couldn't even clear the cloying scent of burnt human flesh form her nose, or chase the bitter taste of ozone and dust from her tongue. Adrenaline surged through her as she saw the searing red light of the reaper's beam in her minds eye and heard the agonised shrieks of the soldiers as they burned ...

_No!_

Shepard took another deep breath to calm herself and ignored the faint shiver along her skin as Kaidan brushed by her and made his way into the shuttle. The unfairness of the situation rankled her no end; Mars lay only minutes ahead and there was no choice but to bring _him_ along on her team. Her stomach churned nervously at the thought of working with Kaidan and she angrily swallowed the fear back down.

Kaidan made her heart ache and she despised him for it. She hated that even after he'd severed ties and walked away on Horizon she still remembered the warmth of his lips on hers and the scent of his aftershave as he held her close. _Dammit. It wasn't fair!_ He'd moved on with his life! Why the hell couldn't she do the same thing? How could she fight alongside of him when her body still burned for his touch?

_Fool_! Shepard condemned herself angrily as she strode across the threshold and sealed the hatch. A gentle hum instantly flickered to life along her skin as her biotics reacted to Kaidan's presence, but she steadfastly ignored it. Once the delicate prickling sensation had driven her wild, now it was a reminder of all she'd lost.

And if she were honest with herself, what she hated most about Kaidan Alenko's presence on the Normandy, was that she didn't hate him at all.

Sighing, she turned to find him standing just inside the door, his brows creased in thought, and her eyes helplessly slid down his tall muscular form encased in the Alliance heavy armour. It looked good on him, too good, and an ache of loneliness and nostalgia stirred in her chest. Kaidan looked as handsome as ever and his new found confidence suited him. If only things were different and she'd been there with him to share his adventures like they'd planned.

She flicked her gaze back up and her sea-green eyes clashed with his. Something flitted through his gaze, something that looked like longing, but it vanished before she could be sure.

Tucking a curl of her vibrant red hair behind her ear, Shepard nodded at him politely and slipped past him to the front of the shuttle, determined not to look back even though she desperately wanted to. James glanced up with a nod as she moved to stand beside the pilot's seat, his hands busy at the controls. With a slight jolt, the docking bay doors slid open and he capably directed the shuttle out of the main hanger on a descent to Mars.

"Good job, Lieutenant."

She clapped James on the shoulder, grateful to have him on the Normandy along with Kaidan. His support and friendship during her time on Earth had kept her sane, and she was keen to see if his prowess in battle lived up to his brags and tall tales. Besides which, James made being here with Kaidan a little easier. It was difficult being alone with her former lover, and James was a good buffer.

"Shepard?" EDI's voice purred over the com. "The Mars outpost appears to be online, however I have been trying to raise them without success."

Gina nodded and pushed away from the console. "Thanks EDI. Hopefully it's just a downed transponder and not a full scale Reaper attack on the facility."

She hooked her breather helmet to her belt and forced herself to walk back into the troop deck. Almost against her will, her gaze zeroed in on Kaidan, her eyes unconsciously vulnerable as she watched him. It didn't feel that long ago that she and Kaidan had been friends and lovers, but what felt like months for her was years for him. The distance yawned between them like a deep dark chasm, and she didn't have the first clue about how to broach that expanse, or even if she should.

When he'd called her name outside the Defense Committee and she turned to see him watching her, her broken heart had fluttered feebly in her chest and she'd known she was still head over heels for him. If only she'd had the guts to to tell him how she felt, that she missed him and loved him, but it hadn't been the time or the place. Not with the ghost of Horizon was stilling hanging over their heads.

Still, she was certain she'd seen something sad and lonely in his eyes as he'd watched her ...

Maybe she was reading too much into it; Kaidan feelings were crystal clear on Horizon and his followup message served to crush any lingering hope. Why bother holding onto hope for a man who had moved on? Dreaming about what might be, especially with the gaping chasm between them, was a foolish endeavor. But she'd fallen for him hard during their pursuit of Saren, and death hadn't changed her heart.

"Shepard." Kaidan's beautiful amber eyes focused on her with an intensity that stole her breath away. "What do you think we'll find on Mars?"

She shrugged and tore her gaze from his, still unsure of what she could see in his face. "I'm not sure, but Hackett said it was a way to stop the reapers, and if Liara is there researching it, it must be important."

"Liara. I haven't seen her since your …" there was an awkward pause and he let out a painful sounding sigh. He spoke again after a moment, his voice rough with emotion, "since your memorial."

The sadness in his voice tore at her heart and Shepard met his eyes, registering his pain as he remembered losing her. Did Kaidan still feel anything for her? Or was it only her memory that he mourned? She so badly wanted to reach out and touch his hand, to bridge that distance between them and find out one way or the other how he felt about her.

"We're almost there," James interrupted them as the shuttle began to buffet about in the Martian winds and he brought them in low over the facility. "We've got a huge storm heading our way."

Shepard felt the connection between herself and Kaidan sever at Vega's interruption, and she stood up as soon as shuttle touched down. She slipped her breather helmet over her head, aware of Kaidan doing the same in her peripheral vision. James came striding from the front of the shuttle, his huge frame dwarfing both of them as he retrieved his assault rifle and stood beside them.

"How long until the storm hits?" She pulled a shotgun down and readied a thermal clip, fighting the urge to watch Kaidan as he opted for an assault rifle.

Vega glanced up as he stowed a handful of grenades in an ammo pocket and shrugged at her. "half an hour tops, then we'll lose contact with the Normandy for sure."

"Let's move quickly then."

Gina opened the hatch and cursed as the wind from the storm front roared into the shuttle like a freight train, slamming into her and almost knowing her over. She staggered back a step and jumped when hands steadied her, one hand on a shoulder and one gently on her hip. A tingle of awareness spread over her skin, and she knew without looking that they were Kaidan's hands. She shivered in her armour as she regained her balance and stepped away, fighting to calm her hammering heart.

James sidled past them and leapt out, scouting the immediate area as Shepard looked back over her shoulder at Kaidan. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it, Shepard."

His face was hidden behind the view plate in his helmet, but the note of satisfaction in his voice sent a pleasant shiver down her spine. Shepard looked at him for a moment longer and then jumped from the shuttle, gritting her teeth as she the wind buffeted her, sand and small pebbles rattling against her armour. She didn't know what that tone in his voice meant, but suddenly she felt better than she had in months.

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><p><strong>AN - As always, it's my intention to update weekly. In the meantime if you want more Shenko, I have some fluffy oneshots and short Shenko fics which you may enjoy. Feedback is much loved - and I appreciate if you take some time to review and let me know what you thought!  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - A big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and who is following along with this fic. It means the world that you guys are reading and enjoying this, and that you took the time out to review! I hope you continue to enjoy this fic!**

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><p>He'd stuffed up.<p>

Kaidan felt the weight of his mistakes every time Shepard looked at him and avoided touching him. He'd screwed up big time, but what had she expected from him on Horizon? He'd been wallowing in guilt for two years, convinced that if he'd disobeyed orders and stayed to help he could have done something to save her life. After two years of grieving, did she really expected him to just drop everything he'd worked for and run off to join Cerberus?

He wished he could forget Horizon. When he'd seen Shepard standing there with her red hair playing in the breeze, the bodies of collectors at her feet, he'd forgotten she was dead and had taken her in his arms. The woman he'd held wasn't a ghost; she was real and she'd held him just as tightly. But reality was a bitch, and relief and happiness faded quickly to fear as he her presence sunk in.

People didn't come back from the dead, and he'd struggled to understand how she was standing in front of him when she'd died over Alchera. Had she faked her death or been in hiding for two years? Was she a clone? It didn't seem possible or plausible that the woman he'd held in his arms was really _his_ Shepard. The Gina he'd loved would never have joined Cerberus.

Even still, after two years of her face haunting his dreams each night, he'd been powerless to control his reaction when he saw her standing in front of him. Drunk at the sight of her, he'd wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms, press his lips to hers and beg her to never leave him again. An impossible dream, so with the iron resolve he'd spent two years building, he squashed down his physical reaction and reminded himself that she was dead.

_Dead. _

He wanted it to be Shepard, and the strength of that desire scared him. Even after two years, he was just as hopelessly love with her as ever. All the steps he'd taken to mend his broken heart and move on with his life had been in vain; his heart still beat for her.

It was pathetic! _He _was pathetic!

The anger helped him come to his senses and he'd looked at her and her companions without letting their past colour his eyes. He was sick with jealousy to see Garrus alongside of her and realised that wherever she'd been, Shepard had gone to the turian _before_ him. The smirking face of the beautiful dark haired woman standing alongside of them hadn't helped matters, and the Cerberus logos on their armour only compounded his rage.

He'd been sent here to protect the Horizon colony from what the Alliance suspected was Cerberus attacks, and instead Cerberus had saved them. Worse still was that Shepard come to his rescue _yet again_, as though no matter how strong he became, she would always ride up and slay his dragon for him.

Just once, he wanted to be the one to save her!

His frustration mounted as she talked, and when Gina asked him to join Cerberus and come with her, it was the last straw. He was an Alliance solider, and over the past two years he'd put his life back together without her. He'd dedicated himself to be being a better leader, a better officer and a stronger person. His Shepard would have known how futile it was to ask him to betray everything he stood for and join a terrorist organisation.

Was it any wonder that he lost his temper and lashed out, questioning her and her loyalty?

Lashing out was a mistake and he'd known it even as he turned his back and walked away. He'd never have joined her while she was working for Cerberus, but what he said to her that day was unforgivable. If the woman who confronted him on Horizon _was_ his Gina, he knew she'd be devastated by his bitter words and harsh rejection. Guilt festered inside of him for days and eventually he sent her a letter, explaining his words and actions, but it had been too little too late and her silence said more than words ever would.

It hurt.

He tried to see her on Earth but time and again was denied access and when he sent her extranet messages they bounced back unopened. Each little rejection hurt just a little bit more than the one before, and eventually he faced facts; Gina wanted nothing to do with him. When he saw her outside of the Defence Committee room, he wanted to apologise and beg forgiveness for the stupid things he said, but one look at her face silenced him. The distance between them was too great for a simple apology to ever bridge the gap.

"Let's move quickly then!"

Shepard's voice pulled from him his thoughts, and Kaidan readied himself as she opened the shuttle's hatch. The wind rushed in and red dust billowed against them with the force of a charging krogan. Gina cursed and stumbled back as her petite frame caught in the blast. Kaidan moved without thinking and reached out to steady her, one hand on her shoulder and one on her waist.

His fingers tingled where he touched her and his breath caught in his throat. He wanted to blame biotics, but touching Shepard always sent a buzz through him. Up until now he'd been able to avoid touching her, just as he avoided looking at her for too long; it hurt too much. The sight of her reminded him of everything that he'd lost, so he looked at her with quick sneaky glances instead.

Holding her, even through armour, brought back a multitude of memories and when her slender framed trembled ever so slightly at his touch, Kaidan felt a rush of masculine pride. He may have pushed her away with his thoughtlessness, but he still had a physical effect on her, which was more than he'd allowed himself to hope for. He didn't know what he wanted to happen between them, but knowing that he affected her physically was _something_.

Shepard got her balance back and stepped away as James brushed past them. Her breathing was shaky over the coms and for a moment she said nothing, then she turned and faced him. "Thanks."

Her voice was husky with an edge of vulnerability, and it sent a shiver down his spine to hear it. "Don't mention it, Shepard."

She stared at him for a moment longer, as though there was more she wanted to say, but she turned and leapt gracefully from the shuttle instead, vanishing into the headwinds of the storm. His eyes followed her as she moved, her body lithe and beautiful in her N7 armour. For the millionth time that day he fervently wished he knew what he wanted from her.

How was it possible to love somebody this much but be frightened to have them in your life?

Kaidan shook off his confusion and followed her into the hostile Mars terrain, joining James and Shepard as they hunted for clues. The first sign of how bad things were came in the form of dead Alliance soldiers who lay sprawled in the sand, gunshot wounds to the back of their heads. Shepard looked them over carefully and then signalled for them to advance on the facility, her shotgun gripped tightly in her hands.

They reached the steep incline that led down to the facility and Kaidan pulled himself up short as Shepard signalled for them to take cover. Far below were Cerberus troops and, horrified, he watched as they executed captured Alliance soldiers. Red-hot fury bubbled up inside of him, burning like molten lava in his veins, and he prepared a Reave, his eyes glowing with fury. His biotic power flared around him in a luminous azure cloud, but before he could use his power Shepard biotically made her move.

One moment she was next to him and the next he felt an intense stinging slap as her biotics exploded and she vanished. There was a blur of movement and she slammed into them, sending the Cerberus troopers flying like bowling pins. She rolled to her feet in a flash and rammed her omni-blade mercilessly through one trooper's chest in a spray of blood, then drew her shotgun and fired at point-blank range another who fell back to the dirt.

Kaidan cursed and followed her down the hill, using his Reave on one of the troopers still alive, while Shepard aimed a Shockwave at the remaining cluster. Her biotics sent them tumbling over the edge of the incline to the ravine below and Kaidan pulled up short to stare. _Holy hell!_ Was she really that much faster, stronger and better than him? Her biotics were always impressive but the level of power she wielded now was terrifying.

Obviously Cerberus had upgraded her biotics, and if they'd done that, Kaidan knew they may have changed other things about her. How could be believe the woman in front of him was really _his Gina_, when Cerberus had spent billions of credits on resurrecting her? They'd probably done something to influence her in some way; a kill switch? Or a behaviour modifying chip? His head swam angrily at the thought of them violating her and a headache started at the base of his skull.

He clenched his teeth against the pain as he began to check the bodies. _Damn it all! _His emotions were like a pendulum swinging back and forth; he loved Shepard and wanted to trust her, but he was scared of opening himself up and being hurt again. Love and fear, love and fear, over and over again.

He wanted Shepard's love and to have her in his life, but until he knew for sure who and what she was, he couldn't risk letting his guard down. It felt like his heart was breaking, but that was better than risking his heart all over again.

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><p><strong>AN - Poor Kaidan! I'm not normally an angst writer, so I hope this is turning out okay! Reviews are always much loved!  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you everyone for the lovely feedback! :) I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you all enjoy it - especially you, QueenFreckles!**

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><p>Kaidan watched Shepard as she stood amongst the broken bodies of the Cerberus troopers, breathing hard as she gripped her shotgun tight. She ejected a spent thermal clip and began to inspect the executed Alliance soldiers, her movements quick and angry. Her biotics were still glowing around her, a beautiful flickering blue aura, and Kaidan wondered if it was because of the intensity of the fight or her emotional turmoil.<p>

_She seems upset._

"What the hell is going on?" James finished his sweep of the area and made his way back. "Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, it looked like it."

_It looked like it? _What was she playing at? Of course they were Cerberus! They were wearing _Cerberus_ armour with _Cerberus_ logos, not to mention that they'd been putting _Cerberus_ bullets into _Alliance_ soldiers heads. Was Shepard trying to be casual or was she deliberately being evasive? Was it possible that she was somehow in on all of this ... ?

_No_.

Kaidan instantly shut down the disturbing thought, a horrible feeling of guilt creeping through him for even thinking such about her. Whatever Shepard's reasons were for being so casual about Cerberus' presence, he couldn't believe that she would deliberately allow Alliance soldiers to get killed. Not Commander Shepard, the paragon of all that was good and honest! He doubted even Cerberus could change that about her.

"Let's go." Shepard gestured towards the facility with her gun.

He followed as she led the way towards some ground vehicles parked up ahead. Cerberus' presence here made no sense, especially as their organisation always maintained that they were working for the betterment of mankind. How did attacking an Alliance facility, while the Reapers were invading Earth, help anyone?

"Shepard?" He caught her attention as they moved forward as a unit, keeping to cover and checking for enemies before moving through the next open space. "Why are Cerberus here?"

"I don't know." Shepard sounded distracted as she crept forward, her focus on the vehicles ahead and the potential threat they posed.

"You have no idea at all?"

She sighed frustration. "That's what I said, isn't it? I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're hinting at. You _know_ that."

There was a definite emphasis on the word _know_, and another sliver of guilt wriggle through him at the hurt tone in her voice. Shepard had spent six months on Earth standing trial for her decision to blow up the Alpha relay. He knew she could have cut ties with the Alliance and stayed with Cerberus, or even gone rogue. Instead she had done the honourable thing and owned her decisions and all the consequences that came with them.

"Sorry Shepard. It's just that you know how they operate better than I do. I thought you might know something." He strengthened his barrier as they took cover near the vehicles and looked in her direction, but her attention was on the threat ahead.

"Well, I _don't_."

It was a defensive statement that hit him like a slap in the face. Before he could reply she sent a shockwave over the top of the rocks they were crouched behind and vanished in a biotic charge. He followed close behind, the sound of Vega's assault rifle echoing in his ears as he aimed a cryo blast at one trooper and rammed him against the side of a ground vehicle. The trooper recovered quickly and raised his gun, but Kaidan used the butt of his rifle to knock him senseless and then flipped out his omni-blade and shoved it deep into his chest, twisting and wrenching it out as the trooper slumped to the ground.

He whirled around to see an engineer set up a turret that was pointed at Shepard, and Kaidan sent another cryo blast at the him, freezing the engineer solid. The turret popped up and auto-aimed, and he closed the distance between himself and Shepard in a fraction of a second, putting up a barrier and tackling her to the ground. They landed badly, Kaidan crashing down and pinning her to the red sand beneath.

Awkwardly, Kaidan covered Shepard's body with his own. With the turret firing on them, he could only stay still and maintain his barrier to protect them both. The deafening roar of the turret was drowned out by the rushing in his ears as he realised he could see Shepard's face through the visor. Her eyes were wide and vulnerable as they watched him and her lips parted slightly. She was beautiful.

"Hang tight, guys! I'll take it out." James' voice crackled over the coms.

"That would be good, James." Shepard muttered unhappily under him, pulling her gaze from his as though bothered by the intimacy.

The turret fire increased and Kaidan's barrier burned an almost iridescent blue as the bullets ricocheted off. He concentrated hard to hold it as the seconds stretched on without the the damned gun letting up. Under him, Shepard squirmed and their armour grated together, and Kaidan realised that even though she was in heavy armour, he was still crushing her with his weight.

It seemed to take forever, but the turret fire wound down and there was a brief shock wave as James nailed the turret with a carnage and followed it up with a burst from his assault rifle. It exploded in a blinding flash and Kaidan strengthened his barrier once more as shrapnel shot towards them. Even though he knew nothing could get through it, he instinctively tightened his hold on Shepard and she curled into his body.

It was the closest that he'd been to her in years and something twisted painfully deep inside of him to feel her in his arms. He wished they weren't separated by layers of armour plating and breather helmets so he could feel her skin under his fingertips, or smell that light and fruity perfume that she wore. It was torture to be like this and he wondered if she felt the same.

_Please, feel the same ..._

"All clear." James stood up from behind a pile of rubble, ejecting a thermal clip and making his way to them. "Nice barrier, Major. I thought you two were toast for a moment."

"Thanks, Lieutenant." Kaidan accepted James' hand up and got to his feet, then offered Shepard a hand. She hesitated for a beat, then took it, letting him pull her up as though she weighed no more than a child.

Her hand trembled in his and she watched him. "Thank you."

They were soft words and they tugged at his heart, but he pulled his hand away and nodded coolly, as though he was unaffected by her touch and words. "No problem, we should keep moving."

"Yes." She turned to face facility entrance. "There's our way in."

Shepard and James jogged ahead while Kaidan followed behind. The hairs on the back of his neck prickled as they entered the elevator shaft and the cavernous facility swallowed them whole. Something felt off about this entire mission, and he was determined to find out what it was.

He needed to find out what Shepard knew about Cerberus, and why they might be here. The Illusive man had spent billions bringing her back and supplied her with a ship and a crew. You didn't spend that much on a person and give them that many resources unless you trusted them, and if the Illusive Man trusted her that much, then it stood to reason that she knew more than she was saying.

The last thing he wanted to do was upset her, but he needed to know the truth before they went any further.

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><p><strong>AN - Oh oh! The infamous Mars elevator scene is coming up ... I hope I don't let you down! Reviews and feedback are loved!**


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer - I don't own Mass Effect. I just dabble in their world!_

**A/N - Thank you to everyone who has followed, favourited and reviewed the last chapter. Especially to Queen Freckles, Simone the Reaper Hunter, tlcinbflo, BananaphoneBob, ela11, kelleytastic, zulija, AngstyShenko and Jules Hawk. Your reviews, feedback and support mean a lot to me! Enjoy this next chapter!**

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><p>Shepard slammed her hand against the button to close the elevator door, waiting for the room to pressurise as her stomach churned anxiously. No matter how many times she told herself not to let Kaidan affect her, he still did. She sighed and looked down her trembling hands, wishing her body wasn't still tingling after having him pressed so close to her. He'd only done it to protect her, but the fact that he had put himself in danger to keep her safe meant something.<p>

Didn't it?

It was difficult to stop herself from reading too much into it, as there had been _something_ in his gaze when he'd shielded her. A pain that showed he was hurting every bit as much as she was, maybe even more. Shepard sighed to herself, she didn't understand why Kaidan still doubted her, why he kept himself so distant. After everything she'd done to stop the Reapers, all of her sacrifices, surely he believed it was her?

Did Kaidan see her as a reminder of everything that had gone wrong in his life? Something he wished had stayed gone so he could move on in peace? The thought depressed her, but Shepard knew she would have to face up to it sooner or later. Kaidan himself didn't seem to know what he wanted from her. One moment he went out of his way to help her, and the next he pushed her away.

She never should have let him get so close to her, but the way he'd held her close while the turret was firing on them made her melt. When he helped her up, she'd hoped to see some kind of sign about what he was feeling, but his eyes had been guarded and unreadable and he'd dropped her hand as though it burned.

It hurt, but after living with her death for two years, was it really any wonder that he was reluctant to accept her reappearance?

Frustration passed through her in waves and she cast a sidelong glance at him. She missed the way things were between them on the first Normandy. The happy glow in his eyes when he saw her and his open, friendly smiles. Hell, she missed _him_. Those days on the first Normandy with Kaidan had changed her in ways she never thought possible. He made her want to be a better person, and the thought of him hating her and believing her to be a Cerberus traitor made her ache.

The vents above them hissed as the room pressurised, and Kaidan moved to stand in front of her, his voice impersonal and hard. "I need to talk to you. _Now_."

It was an order, not a request, and Shepard felt a pang of irritation cut through her melancholy at the tone in his voice. As much as she missed him, he made it obvious time and again that he wasn't the same man as two years ago. Kaidan's confidence in his abilities, and in himself, made her want to hug him, but she didn't appreciate his coldness or skepticism. Once he would have followed her lead without question, now he was reluctant to believe something that the rest of the Alliance believed; that she _was_ Gina Shepard.

"Kaidan, can we do this later?" She hated the way he held himself so aggressively, as though planning to interrogate her.

_I haven't done anything wrong!_

"No, we can't."

His voice left no room for argument, and Shepard relented. If Kaidan wanted to have this conversation here, in front of James, then he could have his wish. She sighed and turned to face him; she had nothing to hide. The sooner Kaidan worked that out, sooner they could get on with their mission and she could put some distance back between them.

Shepard met his eyes and raised her arms questioningly. "What do you want?"

"I need a straight answer!" He looked frustrated as he planted himself in front of her and crossed his arms. "What are Cerberus doing here? You _have_ to know something!"

_Great. Cerberus again._

She felt frustration wriggle through her. "I already said that I didn't know anything! I left Cerberus after I blew up the Collector base. I stole their ship, I convinced most of the crew to leave him and I handed myself into the Alliance." Gina clenched her jaw, fighting the urge to slap him for not believing in her. "I haven't had any contact with them since."

"She's telling the truth, Major." James chimed in, his voice carefully neutral. "Commander Shepard was under constant surveillance back on Earth. There's no way she's communicated with them."

"Maybe." Kaidan dismissed James with a sweep of his hand and paced, his eyes distant as he thought out loud. "They brought you back to life! Billions of credits were spent on you. Not to mention you reported directly to the Illusive Man! Do you really expect me to believe that you ..."

"Yes!" She slammed her hand down on the control panel. "Kaidan, I wasn't with them because I wanted to be! People were vanishing and the Alliance wasn't helping ..."

"We were trying!" Kaidan faced her angrily, his biotics buzzing along her skin as he flared without meaning to. "But every time we got to a colony it was too late! I don't understand why you didn't come to the Alliance for help? Did you even try to contact us? Or was it just easier to stay with Cerberus?"

"Of course I went to the Alliance, but they wouldn't help me at all. The council reinstated me as a Spectre and then they sent me on my way with a _'good luck, Shepard_!' They wouldn't tell me what they knew about the Collectors. They wouldn't even tell me where you were ..." Her voice broke and Gina closed her mouth with a snap, taking in a deep breath as she settled her rolling emotions and calmed herself.

For the longest moment Kaidan stared at her, then he shook his head. "I want to believe that Shepard, but the rumours that you were with Cerberus had been going around for so long." His anger visibly drained away and he sighed. "When you turned up with them it was like a confirmation of those stories. If you'd just come to me when you first woke up …"

"I did!" The urge to hit him rose sharply, and Gina clenched a hand into a fist. "You try waking up and finding out that two years have passed and everyone you love has moved on without you. You try going to the people you love and trust for help, only to get rejected." She laughed bitterly. "God knows that other people were glad I was alive, but not the people I counted on being there for me."

Kaidan crossed his arms stubbornly. "You should have left Cerberus."

"I was able to stop the Collector's because of Cerberus, Kaidan. If I'd left them, then I wouldn't have been able to stop their attacks. I wouldn't have been able to save _you_." She let her words fade out as airlocks cycled and flashed green to indicate it was safe to remove their helmets.

The silence in the room was thick and she saw James shuffle uncomfortably. Disappointment in Kaidan, and in herself for daring to believe in him, spread through her like lead. Not for the first time she wondered if everyone wouldn't have been better off if she hadn't come back from the suicide mission through the Omega Relay.

Kaidan seemed to sense her sudden shift in mood, and his voice was soft when he spoke. "I'm sorry Shepard, I'm just trying to understand ..."

"Don't." She pulled her helmet off and struggled to fight back the crushing waves regret that were rising inside of her. "You don't have to believe me Kaidan, although God knows you're the only one that doesn't, but you do need to trust that I'm still the same person I always was."

Kaidan pulled his helmet off and for a moment his eyes met hers. "I do believe it's you, I just..."

_No more._

"Please stop. The things you said ..." Gina shook her head, she felt weighed down by his suspicions. "You of all people should know me better than that."

Shepard turned away from him as the elevator began to move upwards and drew level with the docking bay. James moved to her side in a show of loyalty, his presence reassuring and familiar after six months together in Vancouver. Kaidan's words still stung, and the way he'd questioned her hurt more than she was willing to show.

"Chin up, Commander." James nodded at her, the look on his face reminding her that no matter what Kaidan thought, he believed her.

It was nice of him, but what she really wanted was Kaidan back by her side.

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><p><strong>AN - Yeah...not a smart move, Kaidan! Total Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome! :( **


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect._

**A/N – Thank you very much to everyone who had read, followed, favourited and reviewed – it means a lot to know you are enjoying it. An especially big thank you to my reviewers! Your feedback keeps me inspired and always makes my day brighter! Enjoy this chapter!**

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><p>Kaidan's stomach felt like a lead weight had been dropped in it as Shepard turned her back on him, fastening her breather helmet to her hip and turning her attention to the docking bay as it came into view. James moved past, tossing him a look that said he thought Kaidan was behaving like a cad, and stepped up next to Shepard in a show of support. Worst of all was that Kaidan wasn't entirely sure that he <em>didn't<em> deserve that look.

"Chin up, Commander."

His head jerked up and he glared at the young marine's back as he stood companionably next to Shepard, making it very clear who it was that he was backing in their little argument. For a brief moment jealousy rose inside of him and Kaidan felt an irrational wish to be the one standing next to Shepard and supporting her.

That wasn't going to happen; he was the one who had hurt her. _Again_.

With a sigh, his anger faded and he scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand, angry and disappointed in himself_. _Shepard was right; he should have trusted her, instead he'd pushed her away and demanded answers to questions that she didn't know. Kaidan almost groaned aloud, why hadn't he stopped himself from voicing those doubts? Why had he pushed Shepard until she finally snapped? It felt as though what tiny connection they still shared had snapped.

_It was like losing her all over again._

Despite what the media trumpeted and the Alliance claimed, Gina was not the ruthless warrior that they made her out to be. She was a cunning and determined solider who could get the job done, but she was also an honest and gentle woman who, under her soldier exterior. Shepard would go through hell for her friends.

Somehow he'd forgotten that about her after their fight on Horizon.

In his head, she'd coldly turned her back on the Alliance to take up with Cerberus, but the truth was that she'd had no choice. She'd been stuck between letting people die or helping Cerberus save them, and she'd chosen to compromise her morals and deal with the devil for the sake of mankind. He knew why, of course he did, he was scared of losing her again.

If he accepted Shepard back into his life, admitted he still loved her, then he was risking his heart all over again.

And he wasn't sure if he could stand losing Shepard for a second time.

Guilt churned in his stomach as the elevator drew level, and he forced himself to step forward and join them. "I didn't mean to upset you, Shepard. I do trust you and I'm sorry for …"

"Just drop it, Kaidan." She glanced at him from the corner of her eye and then away again, looking so tired and lonely that Kaidan ached to put his arms around her.

The hurt tone cut into him far more than her words and he fell back a step, cursing himself for being such an idiot.

Why hadn't he just kept his mouth shut and taken her at face value? What was wrong with him? Did he want to wallow in perpetual misery? To continue to believe she was dead when she was right here? After spending years wishing that he'd saved her life, why was he pushing her away when she was right in front of him?

_Moron_, Kaidan condemned himself, y_ou still feel the same way about her as you used to, so why can't you just trust yourself and believe in her?_ He sighed and clipped his helmet to his hip, wishing he hadn't said those horrible things to her. He'd known exactly how she'd react but he'd confronted her anyway. He loved Shepard, _he did_, but every time he looked at her he thought about what could have been if she'd lived.

Gunshots echoed from the vents overhead and Shepard ran for cover behind a vehicle, the sounds of yelling and scuffling sounding from above. Kaidan ducked down next to her, his shoulder armour pressing against hers as he readied his gun and silently promised himself not to put another foot wrong with her. From this moment on he'd show her that the arrogant jerk who'd been aggressively demanding answers from her wasn't who he was!

It was hard to let go of his fears and insecurities when he still hurt so badly, but he needed to try. And if he was honest with himself, he was as much in love with her as ever. Hiding behind the guilt he felt for her death wasn't going to cut it when he knew he'd fallen for her again. If the worst happened and she did die. it would hurt just as much as it did the first time. Nothing would change that now.

Kaidan tightened his hold on his gun as the grate was kicked off the air vents and a blue figure decked in white leapt out. He was on his feet alongside Shepard as soon as the figure reached the ground, and he lowered his weapon almost instantly as he recognised her; _Liara_. She caught both of the Cerberus pursuers in a singularity and shot them, putting an extra bullet into both of them as they fell to the floor.

_The shy and frightened asari scientist from three years ago had grown up_, he registered.

"Liara!" Shepard put her weapon away and almost ran across the floor to greet her friend.

Kaidan walked over with James, ignoring the unhappiness that was bubbling away inside of him as he watched Liara and Shepard embrace. He knew from Hackett that it was Liara who had recovered Shepard's body and delivered her to Cerberus. He also knew that Shepard and Liara had joined forces to take down the Shadow Broker.

He watched them hug and inexplicably felt left out. Liara may not have been able to help Shepard take down the Collectors, but she had still worked with Shepard and believed in her. The way Liara treated Gina had always made him uncomfortable. From the moment they'd met, the two of them had been close and shared a bond that Kaidan neither understood nor wanted to.

In the early days he'd been jealous despite Shepard telling him that not to be, because she only thought of her as a friend, but he'd still been unhappy. When he and Shepard became a couple things had become easier, but he'd still hated the way Liara watched her with those adoring blue eyes.

Knowing Liara played a part in Shepard's resurrection ate at him, and as they began to talk about Shepard's reason for being here, he felt the sickening stir of jealousy in his stomach get stronger. He had no right to feel this way after turning her away on Horizon, and the logical part of his brain knew this.

He tried to focus and pay attention, but the entire time Liara was talking to them about the situation at the Mars facility and her findings on the Crucible, all he could think about was how stupid he'd been. Seeing Shepard with Liara, smiling and relaxed, made him realise how much he missed that look being aimed at him. _Not likely now, Alenko_, he bitterly reminded himself, _you opened your big fat mouth and said the wrong thing again._

He didn't know why he picked at things until they broke, it was something he'd done since he was a child, but he wasn't going to let it happen this time. Once they kicked Cerberus back to wherever they crawled from, he and Shepard could go back to the Normandy and talk things through properly. He would apologise for assuming the worst about her and he could make it up to her in whatever way he could.

Maybe he was hoping for too much, but he wanted the chance to patch things up and close that distance between them.

If nothing else, he owed it to Shepard to set things right.

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><p><strong>AN – Oh Kaidan … he makes me heart ache. Again, I apologise for the angst! Hopefully this is turning out okay! I'd love to hear what you thought!  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect…_

**A/N – Okay, fun chapter! I hope everyone enjoys it! As always a massive thank you to my reviewers – I love you guys so much for your awesome-sauce comments and feedback! :) You're the best!**

**Thank you x2 to TLCinbflo for her support and amusing ideas. If you haven't read her Shenko fics, you're missing out!**

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><p>Killing Cerberus goons was excellent for working out frustration, Shepard decided as she used a Shockwave to knock several troopers off their feet and send them hurtling into a wall. First Kaidan made his snippy little comments in the elevator, then James kicked up a stink about being sent back to the shuttle instead of letting him fight, so now she felt guilty <em>and<em> angry. She understood that he wanted to fight after being cooped up on Earth for six months, but he needed to learn to follow orders without question.

James was a good guy and she trusted him with her life, but she hadn't fought alongside of him and didn't know what he was like in the middle of a firefight. Liara and Kaidan were familiar to her; she knew their fighting styles and that they fought well as a team. With so many unknowns in the Mars facility, she needed people she could rely on.

The snide little voice at the back of her head laughed at the thought of Kaidan being someone she could rely on, but Gina ignored it as she used her biotics to slam a trooper into the ceiling and floor. Yes, Kaidan had let her down when she needed him, but he was still a damned good solider and he'd have her back in a fight. No matter how he felt about her, he'd follow Hackett's orders like a good little boy, even if that meant working alongside someone he still thought was a _Cerberus traitor._

Shepard ground her teeth as she remembered his words in the elevator, smashing a trooper into the wall, and then another and another until her amp buzzed angrily at the base of her neck. Pain was good! Pain distracted her from the gnawing ache in her heart every time she caught sight of Kaidan fighting beside her. It also reminded her that she was still alive, so that even if _he_ refused to believe who she was, she knew that she was real.

Finally, the last of the Cerberus troops was dispatched and Shepard strode forward, intending to go down the corridor that led towards the tramway. She heard the whine of a turret start up an instant before Kaidan grabbed her and pulled her out of the line of fire, swinging her against his body and back around the corner as the bullets thundered past.

Shepard swore loudly and her heart hammered in her chest as she realised how close she'd come to being shot to pieces. Her anger, so fiery a few moments ago, faded as she sagged against Kaidan in relief and sucked in a deep breath. She could smell his spicy aftershave and her body clenched with need as the masculine scent conjured up memories of lying in his arms late at night, her head on his naked chest and her body sated from their lovemaking ...

"You okay?" Kaidan's hands were steady on her waist and Shepard pulled away, hating her body for reacting to him like it did.

"Fine." She resisted the urge to rub her hands against her midsection where he'd grabbed her. "Thanks."

Kaidan nodded and looked over at Liara, all business. "I take it that's the only way in?"

"Unfortunately." She looked troubled.

"No problem." Kaidan holstered his gun and glanced back around the corner as the turret powered down. "We'll go in fast and stay in cover. Don't let it target you and you should be fine." He turned his gaze on her and Shepard felt her stomach flutter at the decidedly masculine and take-charge aura he was exuding. "I'll go first."

It was sexy to see Kaidan so confident and in control, and it caused an unexpected burst of lust to spread inside of her, raising goose bumps along her skin. He moved around the corner before she could reply, athletically rolling into cover and glancing back to nod reassuringly before he moved forward again. Shepard looked over her shoulder at Liara who seemed equally surprised by his behaviour, and then she followed him around the corner.

Shepard instantly regretted not working out more during detention as her body ached and complained with each roll. It was distracting, but not nearly as distracting as the man moving in front of her, his body sleek and graceful in his Alliance armour as he rolled and took cover. The remnants of her anger seemed to fizzle out as soon as she saw him in action and her mouth ran dry as her hormones reminded her why she loved this man.

Kaidan had never worn heavy armour on the SSV Normandy, and it was almost a shame because he looked unbelievably good in it. It emphasised his broad shoulders and narrow waist, and let her see just how much he'd bulked up over the past few years. It also conjured up visions of what his body might look like under that armour and Shepard stumbled as an image of a gloriously naked Kaidan Alenko standing to attention flashed through her mind.

A stray bullet caught her shoulder, and Gina cursed as her shields absorbed the impact and she tumbled to the ground in a less than graceful move. She crawled the rest of the way to cover with her face burning, trying to shake the image of a naked and aroused Kaidan from her mind. Sometimes she was her own worst enemy! A few minutes ago Kaidan had been berating her in the elevator and insinuating that she was still working for Cerberus, and now she was perving on him and picturing him naked.

_Brilliant. Just brilliant. Go team Shepard!_

She looked up and saw Kaidan watching her from a few metres away, standing comfortably _outside_ of the range of the turret and watching her with one eyebrow raised. He grinned as she rolled and scuttled the rest of the way over to him and then offered her a hand up. The friendly look in his eyes was a damned sight better than the anger and suspicion in them earlier and as his hand clasped hers and he pulled her up, she wondered if maybe he was starting to come around.

"You're out of practice," he told her, and his grin stretched wider as Liara rolled easily into cover. "Even Liara didn't take a hit."

Shepard rolled her eyes but she couldn't stop the tingle of excitement that spread through her body. "It's your fault, Major." she told him haughtily. "_You_ distracted me."

Kaidan looked as though he wanted to ask what he'd done to distract her, but Gina winked at him and moved past as she drew her gun and began to gather her biotics. There would be time for flirting later; for now they still had a facility full of Cerberus troopers to defeat and important data to save. Besides which, she could hear the sound of Cerberus in the room adjacent to them; yells as they ran for cover and the hiss of a smoke bomb.

She wasn't sure what was going on with Kaidan or why he was running so hot and cold with her, but having him smile and joke felt nice; like old times. Kaidan's smile made the aching in her heart hurt a little less and soft look in his wonderful warm eyes made her melt just a bit. It helped to close the chasm between them.

It felt good to have him at her side, fighting _with_ her instead of acting like her enemy.

Maybe her silence made him feel guilty, or he knew he'd gone too far in the elevator, either way it was nice to have him act like the Kaidan she loved. She'd missed him in her life, that much was true, but she'd also missed his friendship and the way they communicated with a look or a touch. It was probably stupid to let herself feel this way after his earlier behaviour, but the smile on his face and the look in his eyes made her want to trust him.

When he smiled at her like that, she didn't feel like she was taking on the universe alone; she had Kaidan.

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><p><strong>AN – Kaidan's not being a jerk! Hooray! What could possibly go wrong? :D Reviews and feedback are welcome!**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – Happy Holidays! Apologies on this chapter coming out later than I intended, but it's the silly season! Thank you to the people who are reading along and reviewing, your comments always make my day a little shinier! Enjoy!**

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><p>Shepard stormed into the room like a force of nature, her biotics flaring brightly as she vanished into the smoke and smashed into her target. Kaidan could feel her power creeping over his skin every time she blasted the ground with a nova or sent troops flying with a slam. Could she feel his power too? He wondered as he hit an engineer with a reave and the man sank to his knees shuddering and screaming.<p>

He struggled to keep his mind on the fight, as his thoughts kept sliding back to the way Shepard looked at him when he helped her to her feet. He could still feel the tight grip of her hand in his, an intimate feeling even through gloves, and the way her green eyes sparkled with amusement and embarrassment after her fall.

Then she'd made that comment about him distracting her and Kaidan simultaneously wanted to blush and laugh.

Gina never had been able to hold a grudge and her flirting made him hopeful that he could atone for the thoughtless things he'd said to her, both in the elevator and on Horizon. While they'd both grown and changed in the last few years, they were still the same people and that made Kaidan instinctively feel that it wasn't too late for them. Maybe when Mars was behind them, they could find a quiet moment and say what needed to be said ... and see where that left them.

When the last trooper was dead, Kaidan turned around to find Shepard watching him with wide eyes.

"You can _reave_?"

She sounded impressed, amazed and even a little intimidated, and Kaidan almost felt ashamed of the rush of pride that went through him. As strong and fast as Shepard was, she was a vanguard and her biotics were geared towards head on attacks and huge releases of power. Reaving, cryoblasts and even putting up a simple barrier were things that she would never be able to do.

This was one area where he would always be better than her.

He shrugged as though it was no big deal. "Yeah, it took some time but I mastered it."

Of course, by some time, he meant almost a year of intense biotic training. He'd given himself migraines, nosebleeds and burst blood vessels in his eyes trying to learn this particular skill, but eventually he'd done it. He'd been so proud when he'd finally mastered it too, because it was something that, to his knowledge, no other L2 had done.

"Jesus, that's amazing. The only people I know who can reave are all asari matriarchs …" She paused and seemed to remember where she was and a faint blush crept delicately along her cheeks. "Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You always were something special."

Kaidan saw the flash of regret in her eyes and felt the emotion echo painfully in his heart. "Thanks, Shepard."

She flashed him a dazzling smile that made his heart ache in a whole other way, and stepped up to a terminal as she tried to get them access to the pedway. Liara took control of the other terminal and began trying to hack the security feeds, while Kaidan moved up behind them so he could watch for Cerberus. A flash of movement on a security screen caught his attention, and he saw a woman step into view of one of the cameras.

"Who's that woman?" He forgot all about scanning for Cerberus as he watched the monitor; the woman was a tall, slim and moved in quick predatory movements, not all at like someone who was scared or running for their life.

"That's Doctor Eva Coré. She arrived about a week ago." Liara informed him in her soft voice. She blinked as the doctor did something at a terminal and then bolted out of the camera's range, vanishing from the screen. "How odd."

Kaidan concurred as he moved to the doorway to scan for troops, half-listening as Liara moved to Shepard's side to see how she was getting on with unlocking the pedway. Something about the woman on the screen seemed off. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but the timing of her arrival and her presence in an otherwise deserted base was far too convenient to be a coincidence.

"Any luck, Shepard?"

"Locked out." Gina sounded frustrated and Kaidan heard her hit the terminal, as though brute force would be enough to magically get it working. "I'm sick of this hacker bullshit."

"It's okay, there's an airlock that leads out to the roof. We'll find another way around." The emotional weight in Liara's voice made Kaidan feel sorry for her. "This is all so frustrating, I don't understand why Cerberus is doing this when the Reapers are attacking?"

"Does it really matter, Liara? We wasted the last six months, what's a few more hours going to cost us?" Shepard sounded bitter, so much so that Kaidan wanted to look across at her, but he made himself stay focused and gave them their privacy.

Liara sighed, "I know, but I can't help but feel that if the council had acted earlier then all of this death could have been avoided. Honestly, I don't know how you do it, Shepard. How you keep fighting when so many people have turned their backs on you."

Kaidan went rigid at that comment, half-sure that Liara's comment was aimed at him and his refusal to help Gina on Horizon. He ground his teeth and hoped he was wrong as Shepard sighed, the sad sound sending shivers along his skin.

"I just think about what I have to lose if the Reapers win."

Shepard's wistful tone went straight to his heart and against his better judgement Kaidan glanced at her, his golden eyes clashing against her green ones. For a moment their gazes stayed locked together, and Kaidan knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was talking about him. That _he_ was one of those things she stood to lose. He almost lowered his gun and went to her, almost gave in to the desire to tell her that he was an ass and that he still loved her, but then she looked away and the moment was gone.

"It's okay, Liara. We'll find a way to stop them." Shepard gathered her weapons and fixed her breather helmet in place, not even pausing as she brushed past Kaidan on her way out of the door, although her biotics made his skin tingle as she went by.

Liara paused beside him as she pulled her breather mask from her belt, both of them watching as Shepard gracefully moved up to the airlock and waited for them. She fixed her mask to her face and turned her blue eyes on him, silently giving him a look that Kaidan easily interpreted. He'd forgotten over the last few years that Liara cared for Shepard in the same way as he did, but in that moment he could see how much she still loved Shepard.

Her feelings may not have been as romantic as they once had, but she loved Shepard as fiercely as a mother loved her child, and Kaidan could see in her eyes that she didn't think he deserved a second chance with her. The intense look she gave him only lasted a second, but he felt thoroughly chastised by the time Liara swept by him and he pulled his own helmet on with fumbling hands.

Part of him fumed that Liara dared to give him that kind of look, and part of him wanted to hug her for trying to protect Shepard. Gina had been through so much in the past year that Kaidan almost wanted to find a mirror and give himself a similar look, to make sure he didn't screw up and say anything else hurtful. If there was still a chance for them to patch things up, he was going to take it.

He just needed to keep his stupid mouth shut.

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><p><strong>AN – I'm enjoying writing this fic so much! I might even write another chapter this week. Feedback and reviews are most welcome, and I'd love to know what you think so far.**

**I also wrote a very fluffy and sexy Shenko Christmas oneshot called 'Twas the Night Before, which I'm going to shamelessly self-promote! I wrote it as a thank you to everyone who reads my stories, so Merry Christmas!**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – Thank you very much to TLCinbflo, Nicniviean, Ella11, Zulija, Jules Hawk, QueenFreckles, BananaphoneBob, Simone the Reaper Hunter, Zombie Husk, BloodxTearsxBones and Elissa Theirin for leaving reviews on the last chapter. It means a lot and I loved hearing from you. ^_^ **

**Now, I have a very important question. Originally this fic was only going to cover the Mars mission and Kaidan waking up in Huerta, but I have to admit that I've fallen in love with this fic and with this Kaidan. I want to continue this fic on and tell their story through ME3. Your opinions mean a lot to me, so I have to ask, are you guys interested in me extending this fic? It will mean longer chapters, a bigger fic and a lot more romance and sexy heat! Please let me know. Thanks! Oh, and enjoy this chapter!  
><strong>

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><p>The storm rushed over them like an angry ghost, pushing and roaring against them as they struggled to keep their footing. Shepard was almost deafened by the hiss of sand against her armour, but somehow she managed to keep putting one foot in front of the other as they crossed the roof of the mars facility. Step by step, they inched their way down the first ladder. A pulse of annoyance beat inside of her at how slow they were moving, but with the constant tug of the wind against them it was impossible to go any faster without risking a slip.<p>

"Commander? Do you copy?" James' voice, heavy with distortion, crackled over her radio and Shepard winced as feedback reverberated in her ear.

"I hear you."

"The storm is getting pretty bad out here. I've lost contact with the Normandy and I'm circling the facility, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep coms open with this interference." His voice was cool and in control, just like the Vega she had come to trust on Earth.

"Understood. Hold your position as long as you can, Lieutenant."

Shepard finally reached the bottom of the ladder and she grasped the railing firmly as she made her way along the narrow gangway. Ducts and pipes rose up on either side of her, offering some protection from the wind and sand, and she quickened her pace to a jog. Her ear piece squealed with static and James' voice came through in a broken stream, none of which made any sense to her.

"You're breaking up. Repeat." Shepard reached the end of the walkway and waited for him to respond, but there was only a hissing electronic distortion. "James? Repeat?"

"It's the storm. It's getting too close, we need to hurry." Kaidan's voice cut through the distortion as he reached her, Liara following close behind.

"Dammit!" Gina started up the ladder, the wind tugging more and more insistently on her armour the higher she went.

She reached the top and turned to help the others, pausing as she caught sight of the churning storm on the horizon. It was much closer now and the billowing pink and red clouds swirled ominously just beyond the martian mountain range. She tore her eyes off the storm with difficulty, a shiver racing down her spine, and helped both Kaidan and Liara onto the roof.

The oncoming storm reminded her far too much of Alchera's swirling atmosphere, and Shepard's stomach clenched with terror. She could remember it perfectly; the oppressive cold that had seeped through her armour and into her limbs, the horror of watching her oxygen leaking from her suit in a sparkling vapor and the burning pain of trying to breathe when their was no air. She'd struggled against it, unable to accept her fate, until her limbs wouldn't obey her and spots danced in her eyes.

In her dreams she was still there, above Alchera, struggling ...

"That airlock shouldn't be open!"

Shepard jerked out of her thoughts at Liara's shout. The asari had taken only a few steps before coming to a stop in front of the airlock, her small frame radiating tension. The airlock sat wide open, the gaping doors resembling a cavernous grinning mouth in the side of the facility. It was pitch black beyond the doors and Shepard drew her shotgun as a prickling sensation spread over the back of her neck.

_I have a bad feeling about this._

She said nothing as she swept past Liara, bringing her shotgun up and flicking on the light beam as she made her way into the gloom. The air was alive with glittering dust inside the doors and the particles spun in pretty patterns as she moved her beam in broad sweeps. The airlock led into what had once been mess hall and, judging from the number of bodies, it had been doing a roaring trade when the airlock was opened and the room vented.

A few more steps inside and she discovered the first body. A young woman lay just inside the door, her body frozen in its death throes. One well-manicured hand clutched at her throat and the other reached out in desperation, as though imploring someone for help. Shepard knelt and rolled the woman over, sighing to herself as she saw eyes that had rolled to white and a mouth that was twisted and gaping.

_No one deserved to die like this._

"They vented the room while they were still inside?" Kaidan moved his beam from body to body, _so many of them_, his voice tight with horror. "Poor bastards."

"There's nothing we can do. We should keep moving." Shepard straightened and stepped away, hating the way the woman's sightless white eyes seemed to follow her accusingly as she backed away.

Fear trickled down her spine like ice as she passed body after body, some of them still sitting at the mess hall, some with forks still in their hands. They all wore the same dreadful expression of panic and desperation. _Is this how I died? _Shepard wondered as she passed the body of a man whose eyes were pink and bulging._ Was this how I looked when they found me?  
><em>

"How could they do this?" Liara's voice was thick with the horror that Shepard felt, and with a numb sort of awareness she realised that Liara probably knew these people.

"I don't know, but this is bad." Despite the cloying fear that she felt from the sight of so many twisted bodies, Shepard managed to keep herself calm as they made their way through the room. "Even by Cerberus standards this is cold."

She saw Kaidan turn his head in her direction and her heart sank as she imagined what he would make of her comments. _This_ was what he thought she was capable of. _This_ was what he thought she had been doing while she worked for Cerberus. He was probably looking around at all of these poor people and wondering if she'd known what they'd find.

"I guess now we know why no one was answering our hails." Kaidan's tone throbbed with anger and his biotics tingled along her skin as his emotions made them flare. "This is monstrous."

_Like me, right Kaidan?_

As they reached the bottom of the stairs to the dining area, the internal security grills on the windows began to raise and Shepard silently signalled for them to take cover. Almost as one, they flicked their lights off and dropped low, using the clutter on the benches to mask their position as they caught a glimpse of their foe. Shepard counted five well-armed Cerberus troops. They were talking as they peered through the windows into the dining facility, almost as though looking for someone.

_How could they know we're here?_ It was a puzzle, but Shepard wasn't willing to wait and find out. She caught Liara's eye and nodded at her, pleased when her friend immediately created a singularity behind the men that was so strong that it flooded the room with a glowing blue light and pulled all of the troops into the air. Kaidan needed no prompting either and he shot out the glass in the windows and powered forward, wisps of blue trailing off him as his barrier flickered around him.

Red hot anger surged through her and with a low growl Shepard charged into the blinding light of Liara's singularity. She smashed into the troopers with the speed of a bullet, her shoulder ramming into one man with enough force to send him ricocheting into the far wall. Then, with practiced ease, she used the gravity of the singularity to swing herself around and aim a solid kick at another man. Her biotics enveloped her leg in a blazing light as she struck him with all of her strength, a wave of grim satisfaction bursting through her as his armour crumpled under the blow and ruptured.

Gun fire erupted around her and Shepard dropped to the ground, watching as Kaidan shot one trooper at point blank range and used a cryo blast on another with devastating effect. Liara, always so quiet and unassuming, put two bullets into the last man caught in her singularity and then gracefully jumped through the broken window into the control room. Her biotics shimmering as she sailed through and landed.

"Well," she said as she dusted herself off and helped Shepard up. "let's get this airlock closed, shall we?"

Her boots crunched over bloodied broken glass and twisted metal as she followed Liara to a nearby terminal, Kaidan covering them from the rear. It was cowardly, but after all the death and horror in the mess hall, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. She was too scared of what she would see burning in his amber eyes. How could she blame him for hating Cerberus when they were capable of such hideously cruel acts?

"Got it." Liara triumphantly stepped back from the computer as the airlock sealed and the room pressurised.

Shepard peeled her helmet off with trembling hands, ignoring her red hair as it tumbled out, sticky with sweat, and fell over her eyes. This was not the time for her to be focusing on her feelings for Kaidan, not when there was a war to be won against the Reapers, and yet _he_ was all she could think about as she heard him pull his helmet off. If she looked into his face and saw disgust and hate in his eyes, what would she do?

Her heart squeezed painfully in her chest as she remembered the cold way he'd look at her on Horizon; rejecting her out of hand and ignoring everything she said. She'd wanted his help and had needed him, but he hadn't even stuck around to hear her out. He'd just walked away and _that_ had hurt. It _still_ hurt. If she looked up now and saw _that_ look …

_No._

Shepard tightened her hand into a fist and slowly raised her eyes, determined to face her fears head on. After all, being frightened of what she would see in Kaidan's eyes wasn't going to change how he felt or what she saw. He could either accept that she had moved on from Cerberus or continue to doubt her. There was nothing she could do to change his mind.

Kaidan had always been stubborn

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><p><strong>AN – Phew, I feel like I'm laying on the angst with a trowel! ^_^ I hope you're enjoying it. Please do drop me a review and let me know what you thought of the chapter, and let me know if you're happy for me to continue this story on through the rest of ME3. Longer chapters and sexy Shenko moments await! **


	9. Chapter 9

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Many thanks to the people who reviewed my last chapter **(TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk, Ella11, Zulija, Nicniviean, Simone TRH, Katiecav. BananaphoneBob, Jason Thursday, Kateriel79, QueenFreckles, Chaseingthewind, Warden Adalia, PrincessofDarkness159, MizDirected, Shade Phantom, Lady Aimee and the guests.)** and to those who encouraged me to keep going. I'll be continuing this fic on and pushing it all the way until Post-ME3 territory. **

**Enjoy this chapter and as always, I would love to know what you thought.**

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><p>Kaidan swallowed the bile that rose in the back of his throat as he looked at the dead bodies slumped in the mess hall. All those innocent people. Dead. And for what? What could Cerberus possibly be playing at? Even if he believed for a moment that they had the best interests of Earth at heart, <em>which he didn't<em>, why go up against the Alliance so blatantly? Why not steal these plans in secret and leave a copy for the Alliance too?

Killing these people in such a cruel manner made his blood boil. No one deserved to die gasping for breath, terrified and in agony. He turned away from the mess hall as rage coiled around him, squeezing until his chest burned and he felt lightheaded from anger. He wanted to hurt the person responsible, to make them pay for what they had done to these people.

The Cerberus troopers they'd encountered so far were mere ants, bugs to be swatted aside. He wanted to find the person in charge! To find the monster who authorised the venting of this room, and make them pay. It was an anger so close to violence, that Kaidan's hands shook.

In moments like these, he envied Shepard her vanguard abilities.

He unclipped his helmet with hands that trembled with fury and wrenched it off, fastening it to his belt in quick, angry movements. The rage that had allowed him to break a Vynnus' neck as a teenager swelled inside of him, growing until he felt dwarfed by it. Injustice and cruelty always stirred him, and right now it fed his fury.

Beside him, Shepard pulled her helmet off and her hair fell in a tangle over her face, the long red strands sticking to her skin. How did she feel about walking through that tomb? Did she hate Cerberus as much as her did? Gina, like him, despised seeing civilians killed, and he knew she would be feeling this too. He couldn't see her eyes, but her skin looked clammy and pale as she sucked in a breath of air.

Nervously, she brushed her hair away from her face and looked up at him, her green eyes searching his with an almost desperate intensity. _What did she expect to find?_ For a long, lingering moment she looked into his face, green eyes against gold, then her lips thinned and she averted her eyes, oozing disappointment. Kaidan clenched his jaw as Shepard moved to speak to quietly to Liara.

She looked upset, but he was too angry at what he'd seen in that room to talk to her right now. If he followed her to find out what was wrong, he'd say something stupid and end up upsetting her more. He didn't want that. Not after how badly he'd fucked things up on Horizon when he'd let his temper get the better of him.

Kaidan turned and stared into the darkness of the mess hall, the wet glint of dead eyes shining like ghoulish stars in the gloom. The sight of them sent a roll of nausea through his stomach and he quickly turned away. It wasn't the sight of the dead that bothered him, it was the callousness of this act that left him feeling unsettled. Something about it had thrown Shepard too, and seeing him so angry had made it worse …

His blood iced over and his heart froze in his chest as he whirled to look at Shepard. Did she think he was mad at _her_? The anger abated momentarily as Shepard whispered something to Liara moved off, scouting the area. The asari narrowed her eyes and stalked to him with a look of blistering disbelief across her features.

He knew what Liara would say before she opened her mouth, that she would blame him for upsetting Shepard. It was frustrating. He was angry because Cerberus had slaughtered all those people, and he had every right to feel that way! He wasn't aiming his anger at Shepard, or blaming her for those deaths.

Seething, he stowed his weapon and shivered as the presence of the dead settled like a weight on his back.

"You idiot! Didn't you see her face?" Liara demanded quietly as she whirled to a stop in front of him, her anger palpable.

Kaidan glared back, defensive. "Of course I saw her face. She looked just as horrified as I felt. What's that got to do with _anything_?"

"She's _scared_, Kaidan."

His rage, still simmering, abruptly cooled at those words and he looked over at Shepard. "Of me?"

She was scanning some bodies against the far wall, her back to them. There was a tension to her that hadn't been their prior to coming through that room, and Kaidan's shoulders sagged. Had he'd contributed to that? He winced as regret, sharp as glass, slashed at his insides.

_Don't be scared of me,_ he thought at her helplessly.

"Of _you_?" Liara repeated his words as she pulled him to the mess windows, and pointed at the bodies. "What do you see when you out there?"

"Lots and lots of innocent people who lost their lives because of Cerberus."

She made a sound of frustration and slammed her hand on the window sill, narrowing missing broken glass. "Look closely, Kaidan! Look at their faces! Look how they died!"

Realisation dawned on him like a ton of bricks, crushing the last vestiges of anger from him as he gaped at the shadowy bodies. He saw them all; bulging eyes, protruding tongues, the look of fear, and yet he saw nothing. In each face he saw Shepard as he'd seen her in his nightmares, frightened, dying and alone.

Instead of rage around his chest, he felt the iron bands of anxiety tighten as he remembered the day he'd lost Shepard over Alchera. His heart thumped in his chest, each beat accusing him of abandoning her to die, of leaving her to suffocate alone in space. He hadn't wanted to believe she was gone, wasn't able to believe she it was true until days later when they found her dog tags. Even now, months on, he could remember the crushing grief.

As he'd walked through the room with all those lifeless eyes watching him, he hadn't stopped to think about Shepard. He hadn't thought that she had died like this. Did she remember any of it? Her final moments on the Normandy when she ordered him to leave? Saving Jokers life at the cost of her life? Being flung into space and into Alchera?

He hoped not.

But the look in her eyes earlier said otherwise. Liara was right. When she'd looked at him, searching his face, she'd been scared and looking for reassurance. Instead all she'd seen was anger, and after the way he'd treated her earlier she assumed it was aimed at her. His barbs about her working for Cerberus had found their marks; she thought he was blaming these deaths on her.

_Shit!_

Inwardly cursing himself for losing his temper, he backed away from the mess hall and started towards Shepard, determined to put things right and let her know that his anger was for Cerberus, not for her. _Never again_. He'd been a fool, _such a fool_, but he wasn't going to make the same mistake he'd made earlier in the elevator.

"Commander?" He drew to a halt, his body humming with tension as he reached out and clasped her shoulder. "Shepard?"

With a roll of her shoulders she dislodged his hand and half-turned her head so she could see him. "What is it, Major?"

His hand dropped to his side and Kaidan shifted his weight awkwardly, feeling like he'd been slapped in face. Suddenly he didn't know what to say. Shepard sounded tired, angry and frightened all at once, and he wasn't sure where to begin. Now wasn't the time for a deep and meaningful, but he had to clear this up.

"Well?" she prompted.

Kaidan rallied and softened his voice, determined to reach her. "I didn't … _think_."

"Excuse me?"

"I didn't think." He repeated again and shrugged. "I was so angry at what Cerberus had done to those people that I didn't stop to think about you."

Shepard turned away from him, her eyes flashing with green fire. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're upset and I made it worse by glaring at you." He curled his hand into a fist to stop it from reaching out to touch her again. "I didn't think about Alchera or your …"

_Death._

He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Do you know how I died, Kaidan?" She turned and faced him properly, her red hair mattered with sweat and shadows around her eyes, terrible and beautiful all at once.

"Not the details," Kaidan confessed.

He knew what Hackett had reluctantly told him; that Shepard had died over Alchera, most likely from suffocation. The Alliance didn't know precisely how she'd died, never having found her remains, but her suit hadn't been rigged for long term vacuum exposure.

"My suit was damaged when I was knocked from the Normandy." She kept her eyes trained on him as she spoke, and they bore into him remorselessly. "It ruptured and leaked air faster than the tanks could supply it. I tried to stay awake, to wait for help, but I couldn't breathe, I was cold and I _hurt_." The fear in her voice shocked him, and he swallowed nervously. "I died, Kaidan. I died like _them_ and I remember every second of what it was like."

The image of Shepard that haunted his dreams, struggling and screaming as she died, flashed through his mind, and his chest burned as he imagined her final moments. Frightened, alone and hurting. Desperately, he forced it from his mind. He wanted to hold her in his arms, bury his face in her hair and assure her that everything was going to be alright, but the distance stretched between them yet again.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I'm alive now." She drew in a deep breath and gave him a pointed smile as she added, "believe it or not."

Their eyes met again and Kaidan shivered in his armour, chilled by something that had nothing to do with the temperature. Her words cut to his heart, sharp as a knife and poisonous as venom, exactly as she intended them to. Kaidan tore his eyes away. What good was armour, he wondered, when Shepard's words cut him far deeper than any Cerberus trooper could?

"I don't trust Cerberus, it's true, but I know you could never do anything like that." He nodded towards the mess hall, desperate to make Gina understand that he didn't blame her. "I wasn't angry with you, just with Cerberus."

For a heartbeat she said nothing, then she shrugged. "I wish I believed that."

She held his eyes for a moment longer, then turned back to the terminal. Kaidan watched numbly as she scanned through the security footage, her silence making it clear that the discussion was over. When Liara joined them he stepped back, his body moving on autopilot as he tried to process what had just happened.

_She didn't trust him ...  
><em>

"Wait, what was that?" Shepard's voice pulled him from his thoughts and Kaidan made himself look at the monitor.

The screen showed two Alliance officers sitting at their desks, the same two men who were now lying slumped across the terminals in front of them. He expected to see Cerberus executing them, and he did, but not in the way he thought. When Dr. Eva walked in view of the security feed and shot them both in the head, then closed down the tramways, Kaidan saw red.

_She was the one behind it. _

_All those people dead because of her._

Shepard made a sound of rage and her biotics crawled along his skin, sizzling and crackling like an electric current. Kaidan tightened his hand on his gun and glanced at her, their eyes meeting in silent agreement. They had to focus on what mattered; getting across the tramway, stopping Dr. Eva and retrieving the prothean data.

Everything else could wait until after Mars, right now they had a job to do.

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><p><strong>AN - Oh the angst! You all know how bad I am at dipping my toe in the angst pool. I hope you enjoyed it!**


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm back at work now, so updates may be once every week and a half instead of every week, apologies for this. I will try my hardest to update as frequently as I can. A big thank you to my followers and reviewers for your comments on the last chapter. Another heart breaking chapter for you this time, I'm afraid! Enjoy!**

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><p>The wind howled against the control room windows like a hungry ghost, it's long sandy fingers beating relentlessly on the facility as it sought entrance. Again and again the wind wailed outside, and Kaidan shivered as the shriek from the storm rose in pitch, thrumming at an unpleasant frequently which set his teeth on edge.<p>

The tramway was locked out, just as they'd known it would be, and Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest as Liara tried yet _another_ series of hacks to bypass the system. Her hack would fail, and they both knew it, but none of them were willing to believe that they had come so far only to fail at the last minute. There had to be another way through, he just had to think and use logic.

Problem solving was _his_ strength.

Shepard worked her way through problems with brute force, Liara with cunning and information, but he used sense and logic. His eyes narrowed as he mulled over potential scenarios to bypass the system, but none were promising. The only solution he could see was a long shot: if they couldn't get to the trams, then the trams would have to come to them.

"The tramway is completely locked out, there's no way across from our side." Liara sat back in her seat, frustration playing across her delicate features.

"Not necessarily." Kaidan saw Shepard's gaze flick to him as he spoke, her eyes unreadable. "If we can find a short range transceiver, helmet to helmet, we might have a shot."

"And?" Shepard flashed him a dubious look. "They're not going to send a tram over just because we ask nicely."

Liara's mouth twitched in amusement and Kaidan ignored the subtle jab. "No, but we could try and convince them that we're on their side. Most of the guards back there were from Delta squad, we could …"

The skeptical expression vanished from her face and Shepard whirled to face him. "Shit, that might actually work. Cerberus employees aren't known for being the brightest of sparks." She sounded impressed, and some of the hostility faded from her eyes. "Good idea, Major. See what you can find."

A warm flush danced through his veins at her praise, and Kaidan grinned, letting Shepard see how much her words meant to him. He needed to fix the hurt he'd unintentionally caused her, it was like a driving beat inside of his heart; _I don't hate you! I don't blame you! I trust you!_ The words so loud inside his own head that he wanted to scream them at Shepard until she listened ...

_Yeah, as if she's going to listen to you!  
><em>

Kaidan nodded at Shepard and strode from the room. Finding Cerberus troops turned out to be easier than expected; two of them were sprawled on the floor just beyond the Control Room. Congealed blackened blood lay in a pool around them, and it glinted dully under the lighting. There was a nose-wrinkling sour smell in the air too, and the closer he got to the dead troopers, the stronger it became.

_What the hell?_

"Shepard," he knelt by the bodies and ignored the stench emanating from them, "I've found something."

"What have you got?" She appeared with Liara in tow and hunkered down on the ground, her lip curling as she caught a whiff of the troopers. "Jesus, how long have they been here? They smell like they're rotting."

Liara frowned. "The troops only arrived today, but several others had a similar smell."

"Gross."

Shepard pulled a disgusted face and set to work removing the faceplate from the helmet, her gloved fingers making quick work of it. Kaidan watched as she pried it free, unable to tear his eyes away as she caught her lower lip with her teeth in concentration. He was so close to her that he could see the dusting of freckles on her skin. They were achingly familiar, and he was seized by an urge to reach up and touch them, to trace his hand along the curve of her cheek …

Blushing, he clenched his hands into fists and focused on the body as she pulled the faceplate away. It came free on a vile wave of stench that sent him reeling backwards, and he pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, gagging, as he scuttled away. The smell beneath the trooper's helmet was a foul mixture of burnt skin, rotting flesh and a sour medicinal scent that reminded him of hospitals.

The man's skin was a pallid, bloodless grey, blotched with darker patches of blackened rot, the sight of which made his stomach heave. Where there should have been eyes, there were only glowing blue orbs, soulless and empty. The man's mouth gaped open and the tongue inside was black and swollen …

"He looks like a husk!" Kaidan gasped as he pushed himself to his feet, terror spreading in a prickling rush over his skin.

Shepard stayed squatting in front of it, her mouth twisting with disgust as she reached in and grabbed the transceiver. "Not quite a husk, but they've done something to him, that's for sure."

Kaidan frowned and watched as she tilted the helmet back for a better look, unease spreading through him as he noted her clinical expression and lack of response. Those blue sightless eyes filled him with a heavy sense of dread, and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Why didn't she feel equally as horrified?

_Was this how she had looked when they first brought her back?_

He almost choked on the thought, panic and horror rising up through him and wrapping themselves tightly around his chest as he thought of Shepard as a husk. For a moment he could barely breathe, and an image of her, rotted and blackened with empty glowing eyes, drifted through his mind. He recoiled from the thought instantly and swallowed hard, focusing on Shepard as she knelt in front of him.

"And by _them_, you mean Cerberus, right?" He stepped closer, ignoring the smell as Shepard climbed to her feet and flicked gore off the transceiver. "How could they do this to their own people? Is this what they did to you?"

"What?" Shepard whirled to face him. "What did you say?"

"I just mean that, well, you _died._ And this thing is …"

"Are you comparing me this _thing_? To a husk? Is that would you see when you look at me?" Her lips thinned and her green eyes blazed as she fired off her questions, her biotics flaring with rage. "Is this what I am to you? A rotted dead _thing_?"

Her voice cracked sharply and it stabbed into Kaidan's heart like a knife, twisting painfully as she stared at him as though _he_ were the monster.

"I don't think you're a monster or a husk, Shepard. That … that came out wrong. But you _died,_ and Anderson told me that when he saw you on the Citadel, back when you first woke up, that your eyes glowed …"

The anger faded from her as quickly as it appeared. Her eyes dropped to the husk and then back to him, and the pain and disappointment in them tore at him_. I've hurt her_, Kaidan realised, _I've hurt her badly_. She shook her head and turned away, drawing in a deep breath as though fighting to control her emotions. His biotics fluttered, reacting with hers as they always had, and he desperately tried to explain himself.

"Shepard, Cerberus took your body and rebuilt you. I don't know what they did to you. I just want to know if the woman who fought beside me on Eden Prime, who risked her own to save mine on Virmire," he drew in a shaky breath as his heart thumped painfully in his chest. "If the woman I cared for is still in there."

"Kaidan," she breathed his name on a sigh as she faced him, her expression sad and angry all at once. "I never left. If you'd just opened your eyes on Horizon …" Her green eyes flicked to the transceiver in her hand and she turned to look out over the tramway. "I don't know what it will take to convince you. Even taking down the Collectors wasn't enough."

"Gina." He stepped towards her, shame welling up as he finally saw the truth behind her words. "I'm sorry. It's Cerberus I don't trust, not you."

She shrugged and turned away with a finality that broke his heart. "It doesn't matter anymore, does it? In the end, I'm not the one who's changed. You did."

He watched her walk away and an awful hollow feeling settled in his chest, a feeling that tasted like panic and despair ...

_No_.

Kaidan clenched his hands into fists; he was _not_ going to let her walk away from him! Back on Alchera he hadn't been able to save her life, but this time he could fight, and he'd be damned if he'd let her slip away from him again! Maybe she was right and _he_ was the one who'd changed, but his feelings for her were the same as ever.

He loved her and somehow he was going to find a way to prove it.

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><p><strong>AN - Oh dear, these two just seem to keep making thing worse! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I love hearing your thoughts, so drop me a comment if you have the time!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm actually embarrassed at how long it took to get this chapter out, but in my defense I had a horrible week and had a terrible bout of writers block. I have to thank TLCinbflo and Nicniviean for both going out of their way to help me through this week. Without their support I probably would have given up on this chapter and thrown it into the too hard basket. **

**I really hope you enjoy this chapter.**

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><p>Kaidan's heart sank in his chest, heavy as lead, as the only woman he'd ever loved walked away from him. She moved to the railing with her head up, back straight, appearing every inch the proud soldier … except for the slump in her soldiers and the air of defeat. In that moment, Kaidan would have given anything to take back his stupid question about the husk. It had been thoughtless and cruel, and he'd hurt her.<p>

Every instinct in his body screamed at him to go after Shepard and put things right; to make her understand that he did love her, and did trust her. His fears about Cerberus controlling her seemed pathetic when stacked up to the hurt he'd caused by voicing them. Why hadn't he kept his stupid mouth shut? Why hadn't he thought about what he was saying before the words came out of his mouth?

"Shepard, wait …" He started towards her, intending to apologise, but Liara stepped in front of him and blocked his path, her expression severe.

"Leave her be." Liara spoke quietly as, behind her, Shepard began to talk into the transceiver. "You've done enough damage, don't you see that? Shepard has been hurt enough without you opening your mouth _again_ and making it worse."

Her blue eyes, normally so serene, flashed angrily and she crossed her arms over her chest. Somehow, Liara seemed stronger and more intimidating than she ever had before, and Kaidan took a step back before he knew what he was doing. He gave himself a small shake and folded his own arms over his chest, mirroring her body language as he retook the step.

"I know I keep saying the wrong thing, that's why I have to apologise." Kaidan frowned at Liara, the hair on the back of his neck prickling at her assertive behaviour. "I have to explain myself."

Liara shook her head forcefully. "No. You made your position quite clear; you don't like Cerberus, and Shepard gets that." She stepped closer and her biotic aura crawled over his skin unpleasantly, like scurrying bugs. "But don't blame her for something that's out of her control. She had no choice in Cerberus bringing her back. If you want to blame someone for that, blame me." She drew in a deep breath and look him in the eye. "I'm the one that gave Cerberus her body."

_I'm the one that gave Cerberus her body._

Kaidan gaped at Liara as her words sunk in, and every scrap of colour drained from his face. _Liara, gentle, sweet Liara, had given Shepard to those monsters to do god-knows-what with her body?_ He stepped back from her, repulsed, and Liara stared at him defiantly, her chin held high and her eyes burning with righteousness as they bored into his.

Truth be told, he'd never let himself think about how Cerberus might have managed to get hold of Shepard's remains, though he never would have suspected Liara of being behind it. She was too nice, too gentle and far too quiet to do something so terrible to her friend's remains. Or so he'd thought. He could only imagine how desperate she must have been to get Shepard back; it was the only thing that explained her actions.

_She's still in love with her._

He shook his head in shock and frowned at her, confused. "How could you …"

"Cerberus is on the way." Shepard interrupted them unexpectedly, her face a polite mask as she pointed to the platform behind her. "If you two are finished whispering, perhaps we could set up a little welcoming party?"

Kaidan dragged his eyes from Liara's piercing gaze and watched as Shepard casually dropped the transceiver on the ground. "Did they believe you?"

She shrugged, and her eyes lingered on Kaidan's long enough for him to see the hurt in them. It broke his heart all over again to know that he was the one who'd put that look in her eyes, and he dropped his gaze first. He really was an idiot! The woman he loved was right in front of him, and all he'd done so far was hurt her.

"Well, if they didn't, we're going to find out soon enough." She cleared her throat and Kaidan raised his eyes to find her watching him. "I'm going to put you into flanking positions. Major, I want you near that stack of crates on the left side of the platform. Liara, you take those boxes on the right. I'll be waiting up here to pick off any that get through."

_Major_.

Kaidan flinched inwardly at the use of his rank rather than his name, but he nodded. "Good idea."

Shepard flashed him a look that said she thought he was mocking her, then she turned and moved into position. As he moved past her, her biotics tingled over his skin like a warm wave, and his own body flared unconsciously in response. Shepard went rigid, her hands tightened on her gun and she pulled out of his range as though his aura burned her.

Embarrassed, Kaidan flushed and hurried into position, trying to ignore the pickling feeling on the back of his neck, as though someone was watching him. Was it Shepard? Were her eyes on him right now? He forced himself to focus on the tramway and not look back at her. It was bad enough that he'd committed the ultimate biotic faux pas and leaked energy on her, he didn't want to make it worse by turning around and staring at her.

Kaidan clenched his jaw and strengthened his barrier as the tram trundled into view, and rolled to a stop with a metallic clang. He almost felt sorry for the Cerberus troops as they strolled out unaware of the trap, and were promptly flung screaming over the edge of the platform by one of Shepard's throws. The remaining troops put up more of a fight from the inside of the tram car, but against three powerful biotics they didn't stand a chance, and the fight was over within minutes.

"Let's move." Shepard swept past him, snagging a spare ammo clip from the floor and tucking it into a pocket. "Stay sharp, they're not likely to sit back and let us roll in without a fight. Even Cerberus isn't that stupid."

Kaidan slid his breather helmet on, and followed Shepard into the tram carriage, aware of Liara walking a few steps behind him. Her presence made him uncomfortable and he rolled his shoulders to dispel the itchy feeling from between his shoulder blades. He'd always trusted Liara and her calm bookish ways, but not anymore; Liara was not who he thought she was.

He still couldn't believe that she was the one who had given Shepard's body to Cerberus, and that she'd done it without telling any of them. They'd all mourned Gina's death; Liara should have told them!

Kaidan sighed and looked at Shepard as she fiddled with the tram controls. _No_, he decided suddenly, _it was better that Liara had acted alone_. If she'd come to them, they would have insisted that Shepard's remains be brought home and given a proper burial, and if that had happened, Shepard would be here now.

_Alive._

His heart contracted painfully at the thought of her being gone again, and he stepped up beside her. "Shepard, do you have a minute?"

"Is it about the mission?" Her eyes flicked to him as she fixed her helmet in place.

"No, but I …"

"Then save it for later. I don't need any more distractions." She turned to the controls and activated the tram, her tone making it clear that she wasn't going to discuss it further.

Kaidan bit his tongue and turned around, mortified that she thought of him a distraction. Worse still, part of him knew she was right; Shepard was hurting, and he'd done nothing but make things worse every time he opened his mouth. As much as he wanted to explain himself and set things right, he needed to wait until after the mission.

Reluctantly, he joined Liara as she examined a Cerberus body, and flicked his comm channel over to private. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She didn't even glance up as she nimbly worked the helmet off the corpse. "About Shepard and Cerberus?"

"Yes."

"You would have tried to stop me." She pushed away from the body and rocked back on her heels, her attention focused on the husk-like face beneath. It was blackened, rotten and oozing a thick slime that made Kaidan glad he couldn't smell it.

"Maybe," he acknowledged quietly, tearing his eyes off the hideously twisted face.

"You would have," Liara insisted. "Besides, Cerberus didn't know if they could bring her back. When I found her …" She paused, visibly struggling with her memories, and with a small, stricken sound, she stood up. Her eyes were haunted as she took his hand and squeezed it tightly. "You _don't_ want to know what state she was in."

Kaidan swallowed hard as the tormented faces of the people in the mess hall passed before his eyes. He shivered and returned the pressure on her hand. Liara was right, he didn't want to know what had happened to Shepard, or what Cerberus had done once they had her body. However Liara tried to justify it, what she'd done was wrong, and yet … Shepard was back because of _her_.

_If I'd known she was hunting for Shepard's body to bring her back …_

He dropped her hand and sighed. "You should have told _me_, Liara. Even putting aside the ethical issues, you knew how I felt about her. Seeing Shepard on Horizon like that, with no warning ..."

"I didn't know they'd brought her back either! When she showed up on Illium, I … I …" Her voice cracked and she clenched her jaw, the muscles jumping. "Once I handed her over, that was it. They cut me out."

"You just gave her to them like a piece of meat?"

The words burst from him angrily, and Kaidan seized her upper arm, pulling her close as rage seared through him. Liara _working_ with Cerberus to bring Shepard back was one thing, but Liara handing her over and then _walking away_, was a completely different thing. They could have done anything to her! God only knows what they'd done to her remains before they finally brought her back!

Liara pulled herself free and glared at him, her eyes burning angrily like twin stars. "I did what I had to do to get her back. None of you could have done it! None of you had the guts to do what had to be done." Her eyes, so angry, suddenly filled with tears and she curled her hands into fists, as though fighting not to strike him. "She never should have died up there! She spent her life saving other people and she died up there! _Alone_!" She turned away as a sob burst from her lips, and strode to the nearest window.

Liara gripped the sill tightly and Kaidan listened through the comms as she drew in several deep breaths. His anger faded, and his heart went out to her; he'd spent years working through his survivor's guilt and struggling with the idea of Shepard dying alone.

He knew exactly how she felt.

"Liara …"

"Don't." She whirled to face him and viciously stabbed a finger at his chest, her tone defensive. "You act like I did something monstrous, but I'm the reason she's alive! Don't act like you're not happy to have her back too!"

The air between them shimmered with tension and Kaidan nodded as he stepped back, letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "You're right. I am glad she's back." He looked over his shoulder at Shepard as she stood at the tram controls, oblivious to the discussion that had happened behind her back.

Liara let out a shaky breath and she followed his gaze. "Then act like it. Trust her."

They stood together in silence as the tram rolled on, taking them ever closer to the archives and their target. Ahead of them stretched the station, and Kaidan could see the tiny figures of Cerberus troops scuttling back and forth as they prepared to face them. They would try to stop them, and they would fail, because no matter how good Cerberus were, Shepard was better.

And she'd proved it time and again.

"Thank you, Liara." Kaidan glanced at her as he readied his gun and brought up his barrier in preparation for the fight. "You're a good friend."

Liara shifted slightly but kept her eyes on Shepard as she replied, "you're welcome. But just so we're clear, I didn't do this for you, Kaidan." She turned to face him, and her eyes no longer shone with tears, instead they were burning with purpose. "I did it for her."

* * *

><p><strong>AN - The next chapter is officially the end of the Mars missions, and I think we all know what happens *wibbles*. I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter, so if you have time please drop me a review! ^_^**

**And now for some shameless fic promotion - I wrote a short oneshot about the crazy batarian doom sayer on Omega. It's called Meat for the Beast and if you have time, I'd love you to check it out! It's only short and very silly.**


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